Here I am, sitting here in this tin can of a piece of crap double wide, sweating my life away on the first of my 2 days off from the job where I make some corporation money every other day of the week, including Sunday. Which, by the way, in 2 years, I've only had 2 Sundays off. Pet peeve big time. I'm actually hauling 5 gallon buckets of water to my wash machine so I can do some laundry. Yep, no water lines so hump it I must if I want clean clothes. The Laundromat is too damn expensive. Of course, this leaves me with plenty of time to let my mind run thru all the little things in my life that make sense, don't make sense and lets me wonder what the heck I had to have been thinking at any given time. For instance, I'm middle age now. Unless I plan to live over 100 years, which I seriously doubt, I'm middle age. I'm not as string as I used to be, I need way more sleep and stupidity bothers me now more than ever. So, I keep asking myself why I would continue a relationship with a man who is obviously mentally ill. Not just a little crazy but way out there, whacked out nuts. Ah, let me clarify a little. By "normal" standards, I am considered crazy. Apparently, anyone who thinks for themselves, finds society to be incredibly irritating, thinks pedophiles should be beat to death and our government is trying to subvert us into slavery is considered "crazy" by the PTB. So, multiply that kind of crazy by someone who behaves like a middle school boy around me, especially in public, is obsessed with sex, drinks like a fish, actually hits people who annoy him, literally hears voices in his head, has continual visions of grandeur, lacks any resistance to mood impulses and is simply not afraid of death in any way. That kind of nuts. Think a bout it, LOL
So, now comes the question- "what the hell are you thinking?" right? Seriously, I don't know. Maybe I'm bored in some sort of subliminal way. Maybe I wish I could just go around hitting people too. Sex, yah, well, okay. It's pretty awesome. Not the "aw, I love you, let's make love" kind of sex but the "holy shit, I can't walk! That was amazing!" kind of sex. Yah, I'm getting a little old for that, I know. Maybe I'm just at a point in my life where I just don't care about if it's right or wrong anymore. I'm not scared of him. If he ever did try to hurt me, I'm a tough old bird, I can dish it out pretty darn good myself. Not that I'm saying I think he would. Weird to have someone so devoted to you and your happiness even if it is kind of freaky how he does it. Freaky in a strange and obsessive kind of way.
I can actually laugh a little about this whole thing when I think about and look back at all the relationships I've had throughout my life. How men in general have treated me. Boys in high school were afraid of me. My first real "affair" was a biker, Paul, 7 years older than me. He dumped me because he got "crabs". Bad part was, he didn't get them from me, he got them from my room mate! My next romance was a military guy, Georgie, who failed to inform me about his last girlfriend whom he had a child with and saw on a regular basis in secret. Ah, that one kind of hurt. I went all the way to California for that one. Came back home and hooked up with a musician, Jimmy. Guitar player. That worked out pretty good for a while, drugs, alcohol and groupies killed that one. Next one was obsessed with me, threatened to kill himself when I wanted to leave the first time he got arrested for thieving, Doug. I stuck around for a while longer. Long enough to find a decent job and for him to find himself an "internet" girlfriend who didn't mind his poor behavior. This will slay ya, LOL, she calls the house one day and asks for him, I tell her he's not there, can I take a message. She says she's his girlfriend and who the hell am I and why am I answering his phone? ROFL So I inform her that I'm his wife and I'm coming to find and kill her. She hangs up on me. Can you believe that? Yep, he got kicked to the curb. So, those 4 plus a couple not as serious of relationship men spanned 15 years. 2 of which I was actually married to. Ya see the pattern?
The next 15 years I spent married to a man I adored at first but lost somewhere along the way. Hard one to talk about. So many things we both did to eat other which of course, only made it worse. At least infidelity wasn't one of them!
A couple of those men really hurt my heart. I seriously thought I was in love a few times. Was I? I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if I would even know what real love is. If I have ever felt it, it would have been my own feelings since I'm pretty sure I've never been with a man that actually really loved me. Sad, eh? Probably not. I bet it happens all over the world every day.
Now comes this next one. Crazy as a loon, yep. Does he really love me? I think that he thinks he does. Most of the time it's pretty enjoyable to be with someone you can relax and be comfortable with. Completely comfortable. Butt naked. Nothing is out of bounds. Then there's the times where his mind is so out of whack that 100 therapists couldn't make sense of what he's saying and thinking.
Meanwhile, during all this lost and found love, I'm growing, maturing and trying to find those things in life that make me who I am and make me happy/satisfied with my life. All the while juggling the raising of 2 kids, a major work related injury and financial ruin. A few ignorant people I chose for friends thrown in the mix and I made it thru it all and still kept most of what I consider to be my sanity. At least, my version of sanity. And so, here I am...........