Monday, July 13, 2015

The Long and Twisty Path of Life, Love and Crazy Relationships

Here I am, sitting here in this tin can of a piece of crap double wide, sweating my life away on the first of my 2 days off from the job where I make some corporation money every other day of the week, including Sunday.  Which, by the way, in 2 years, I've only had 2 Sundays off.  Pet peeve big time.  I'm actually hauling 5 gallon buckets of water to my wash machine so I can do some laundry.  Yep, no water lines so hump it I must if I want clean clothes.  The Laundromat is too damn expensive.  Of course, this leaves me with plenty of time to let my mind run thru all the little things in my life that make sense, don't make sense and lets me wonder what the heck I had to have been thinking at any given time. For instance, I'm middle age now.  Unless I plan to live over 100 years, which I seriously doubt, I'm middle age.  I'm not as string as I used to be, I need way more sleep and stupidity bothers me now more than ever.  So, I keep asking myself why I would continue a relationship with a man who is obviously mentally ill.  Not just a little crazy but way out there, whacked out nuts.  Ah, let me clarify a little.  By "normal" standards, I am considered crazy.  Apparently, anyone who thinks for themselves, finds society to be incredibly irritating, thinks pedophiles should be beat to death and our government is trying to subvert us into slavery is considered "crazy" by the PTB.  So, multiply that kind of crazy by someone who behaves like a middle school boy around me, especially in public, is obsessed with sex, drinks like a fish, actually hits people who annoy him, literally hears voices in his head, has continual visions of grandeur, lacks any resistance to mood impulses and is simply not afraid of death in any way.  That kind of nuts.  Think a bout it, LOL

So, now comes the question- "what the hell are you thinking?"  right?  Seriously, I don't know.  Maybe I'm bored in some sort of subliminal way.  Maybe I wish I could just go around hitting people too.  Sex, yah, well, okay.  It's pretty awesome.  Not the  "aw, I love you, let's make love" kind of sex but the "holy shit, I can't walk!  That was amazing!" kind of sex.  Yah, I'm getting a little old for that, I know.  Maybe I'm just at a point in my life where I just don't care about if it's right or wrong anymore.  I'm not scared of him.  If he ever did try to hurt me, I'm a tough old bird, I can dish it out pretty darn good myself.  Not that I'm saying I think he would.  Weird to have someone so devoted to you and your happiness even if it is kind of freaky how he does it.  Freaky in a strange and obsessive kind of way.

I can actually laugh a little about this whole thing when I think about and look back at all the relationships I've had throughout my life.  How men in general have treated me.  Boys in high school were afraid of me.  My first real "affair" was a biker, Paul, 7 years older than me.  He dumped me because he got "crabs".  Bad part was, he didn't get them from me, he got them from my room mate!  My next romance was a military guy, Georgie,  who failed to inform me about his last girlfriend whom he had a child with and saw on a regular basis in secret.  Ah, that one kind of hurt.  I went all the way to California for that one.  Came back home and hooked up with a musician, Jimmy.  Guitar player.  That worked out pretty good for a while, drugs, alcohol and groupies killed that one.  Next one was obsessed with me, threatened to kill himself when I wanted to leave the first time he got arrested for thieving, Doug.  I stuck around for a while longer.  Long enough to find a decent job and for him to find himself an "internet" girlfriend who didn't mind his poor behavior.  This will slay ya, LOL, she calls the house one day and asks for him, I tell her he's not there, can I take a message.  She says she's his girlfriend and who the hell am I and why am I answering his phone?  ROFL  So I inform her that I'm his wife and I'm coming to find and kill her.  She hangs up on me.  Can you believe that?  Yep, he got kicked to the curb.  So, those 4 plus a couple not as serious of relationship men spanned 15 years.  2 of which I was actually married to.  Ya see the pattern?

The next 15 years I spent married to a man I adored at first but lost somewhere along the way.  Hard one to talk about.  So many things we both did to eat other which of course, only made it worse.  At least infidelity wasn't one of them!

A couple of those men really hurt my heart.  I seriously thought I was in love a few times.  Was I?  I don't know.  Sometimes I wonder if I would even know what real love is.  If I have ever felt it, it would have been my own feelings since I'm pretty sure I've never been with a man that actually really loved me.  Sad, eh?  Probably not.  I bet it happens all over the world every day.

Now comes this next one.  Crazy as a loon, yep.  Does he really love me?  I think that he thinks he does.  Most of the time it's pretty enjoyable to be with someone you can relax and be comfortable with.  Completely comfortable.  Butt naked.  Nothing is out of bounds.  Then there's the times where his mind is so out of whack that 100 therapists couldn't make sense of what he's saying and thinking.

Meanwhile, during all this lost and found love, I'm growing, maturing and trying to find those things in life that make me who I am and make me happy/satisfied with my life.  All the while juggling the raising of 2 kids, a major work related injury and financial ruin.  A few ignorant people I chose for friends thrown in the mix and I made it thru it all and still kept most of what I consider to be my sanity.  At least, my version of sanity.  And so, here I am...........

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Cranky Musings-July already

It's been quite a while since I last posted to the blog.  Life is a blur most days around here.  Thoughts swirl around in my head with little time to focus on any one thing.  Routine is key these days, it's the only way things get done.  No thanks to the lousy weather this year has dished out.  6 days of rain, 2 days dry then another 8 days of rain, 1 day dry, yadda yadda. Now it's been 5 days of rain overnight and 2 days dry.  How am I supposed to get hay cut like that?  Not like the work schedule really allows it anyway.  Had to be insistent about that too, it's been made known that when I get the chance to cut hay,  work had best figure it out how to cover my shifts.

Got a letter from the IRS, apparently, the withholding from last year was incorrect so it seems I owe the federal government $300.  I made a whopping $14,000 last year, they stole $600 from me before I ever saw it and now I have to give them another $300 on top of the $95 tax for breathing I had to cough up.  Great.  There goes the $75 I managed to save up so far this year plus 6 months of any possibility of saving a dime.  Crap, what am I going to use to pay the property taxes with?

Blah, blah, blah, price of freedom etc.  Really?  What is it exactly that money is buying me?  Not a damn thing as far as I can tell.  There is no benefit to me in any way.  No protection of any sort, no provisions, no help around the farm, the government is damn sure not heating or cooling this dump for me.  Eh, every year this pisses me off a little more.  I suppose it's simply because I am so independent. Completely against the grain and not going with the flow.  Oh well.  Not like it's ever going to change for the better.

I've realized that I'm old.  Not decrepit old but past the prime of life thing.  My kids are grown (more or less, the youngest may never grow up) and I'm not 30 anymore.  The things I used to do wear me out quicker and the recovery time seems a little longer.  I've realized another pair of hands around every now and then would be useful.  Then, I get the idea of finding a companion and THAT just pisses me off too.  My entire life has been my own, mistakes and all.  I don't do the lack of common sense thing very well and stupidity isn't tolerated too well either.  So, men around me tend to annoy me as I constantly find the ones who are stupid or obnoxious with a laundry list of bad habits.  A lady companion is not an option either as I seem to be surrounded by either needy women or ones who are looking for some sort of advantage to advance their own agendas.  The whole idea of a companion isn't so I can once again take care of another pitiful life form!  If you're not wearing your big boy panties, don't jump up!  Geez!  LOL  Eh, I like being alone but not every second of every day.  I simply can not compromise who I am for a little company every now and then.

So, the farm isn't getting mowed as often as it should, the garden isn't weeded the way I'd like it to be, the critters are the only thing that's right on schedule every day and I wish I had more time for that.  A lazy day for drinking coffee would be nice.  There's just not enough time in the day for that around here.  The older I get, the harder it is to sleep and the harder it is to get out of bed after a night of laying there, sleeping, waking up, sleeping again etc.  4 hours of sleep all in one shot would probably improve my mood, LOL.  On the good side tho, the weedy garden is producing like crazy and I am actually eating decent for a change!  I'm already seeing a few sleepless nights coming.  It will be the only way I get produce canned up for the winter/spring meals. 

So, I just soldier on, day after day with my pitiful $250 a week paycheck, doing what I can to keep onkeeping on.  Some days are better than others.  One thing is always there tho- the peace and quiet of simple living and the freedom that comes with it.  Way out here, away from all the stupidity, no one bothers you and you do as you need to every day.  No rules, no restrictions, no going with the flow of other peoples opinions.  Just simple and quiet.  And taxes.  Always taxes............

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Life Goes On...

And the rest of the daily drivel. It's more of the same old dirt, just in a different pile around here.  It's always been a struggle, right from day one of this little adventure.  First, it was fight the drunk while everything I've built was being torn down in drunken baby fits.  Then, it was the dead broke stage minus the drunk.  Now, we're in the kind of broke most of the time, critters dying, freezing our butts off stage.  It's all part of it.  Can't measure happiness if there is no sadness to compare it to.  No success without failure.  No gain without loss.

It's all about choice and choosing how you want to live.  It's always been about that, right from the start.

So, here I am, beginning of March, it's down right cold in the house every morning since I ran out of LP.  Was going to happen, no way around it.  When it did happen, I just dealt with it.  Yes, it's cold.  Yes, I would rather be warm.  I'm not warm so I deal with it.  I'm going to live thru it.

As usual, I've got baby goats being born in this nasty weather.  It's what happens when you have seasonal breeders. Mostly tho, it's good.  This year was kind of rough tho.  Losing 2 adult goats and 3 kids in a small herd is always a rough hand to play.  Not sure yet if Delta or Fluffy will take the herd over.  All the kidding going on, they're staying herded up and close to the barn.  No wandering yet.

Since I started this post, I've added one out of a set of twins to the herd of goats and a calf.  Baby kidded.  It was kind of rough for a first timer.  One of her kids was breach and it did not live thru the delivery.  Should have been 2 calves but Daisy cow went to a new home to get the past due on the LP bill paid.  Daisy had a heifer calf 2 days before Goober had her bull calf for me.  That figures.  Oh well, it's part of life on the farm I guess.  It's always an experiment in doing what you have to do as opposed to doing what you want to.
I managed to get all the winter bunnies sold.  Now I can start fresh this spring with just my base breeders in the hutch.  I'm also getting ready to start hatching chicks out.  Of course, I'm not any closer to having the chicken coop I've been trying to build for 2 years done.  Story of my life, LOL  One small step at a time around here, always.

The new work schedule that came with my promotion has kept me from making soap.  I will have all day this friday to whip out some new creations tho.  I want to get that acne/face bar going and some new goats milk soap creations.  Hopefully, all will go as planned and I get 3 or 4 batches added to the inventory.

Until then, happy times on the Serenity Farm......